[the middle of showering] I need a break
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Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones