[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
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Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Never forget.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”