Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
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I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
#MeanwhileinCanada
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.