Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
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Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad