If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
You Might Also Like
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien