Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
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I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
emergency phone
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
went fishing caught a bass
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.