The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
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Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move