The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
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Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.