I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
You Might Also Like
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
The symmetry is uncanny.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes