@Writethatdown12: Trainer: "ok, lets warm up 1st....wait, where are you going!?" Me: "tanning bed"

@protolalia: It's sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it'll be another 2-5 years before they're single and ready to hang out again.

@InternetHippo: [fingers tented under chin] What can I tweet that won't make people yell at me [starts typing] Hello [brick flies through my window]

@FavoriteNapster: I am wearing a jacket, because my mom felt cold.

@Shot_Of_Cabo: I bet you say that to all the guys...