The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
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listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Me too
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.