@hero_ofthenight: The more laundry I do, the less nudists seem crazy to me.
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@Diversion50: [solicitor reading my will] "He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose], He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard".
@NicestHippo: [meeting a couple at dog park] "BARK BARK!" GF: He's usually not like this [pulls me aside] GF: Stop yelling bark bark at those nice people
@djdarrellripley: Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren't meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle....
@IvoryGazelle: [inventing tupperware] make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti