You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
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My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Twitter is an abusement park.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
6. me as a lawyer
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill