I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
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I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Wake me when AI does housework
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
The little toadstool has spoken.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.