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@ieatanddrink: The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
@batkaren: "Every dog has his day," they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
@obviousplant_: Are you dating a bunch of bees?
@Cheeseboy22: Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
@jazmasta: I'm not crying. I'm just watering my moustache.
@joshandbeyond: I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.