mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
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was Jim off killing horses or…
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
The internet is magic sometimes.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?