The morning after pill, but for tweets
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Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Lmao
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”