“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes