The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
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THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Banking tips
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.