The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I gave up going to work for lent.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”