My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
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[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
❤️🦆
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Breaking news:
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!