I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
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A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
#Caturday
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.