The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
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It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Nose
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
😍😂🥰😂😍
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left