The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
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Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Grandmother clock.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.