@SaraThomas84: The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
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@carlyken: I'm trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he's pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
@WheelTod: In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I'd just totaled her car.
@OfficialMizGin: Take it easy, guy who posts 10,000 pics of his baby on Facebook. We get it already. You got laid once.
@famoushorse: customers who viewed SHIMMERING LIGHTS OUTSIDE THEIR WINDOWS, also viewed THEIR FEET HELPLESSLY MOVING TOWARDS THE DARKNESS OF THE WOODS