@SaraThomas84: The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
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@DanMentos: *notices my tinder match has "catholic" in their bio* me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
@JermHimselfish: Don't run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule
@wesjohnson8: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer, "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."