The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
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[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.