The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
*jingles half the way*
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.