@XplodingUnicorn: The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@scott2ten: Co-worker: Face up or face down? Me: Um. What? Cw: The fax machine? Documents face up or down? Me: I'm not mature enough to answer that.
@Scdavis24: My mom always says "Alcohol is your enemy!" Jesus says, "Thou shalt love thy enemy."
@TheHyyyype: WIFE: what the hell happened here? ME: i broke an egg [earlier] ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
@JohnLyonTweets: My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It's also raisin free. And cake free. OK it's just rum.