@XplodingUnicorn: The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
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@joeljeffrey: My dad shouted "shut up idiots" to the cats. I told him "You're speaking English to a cat. You're the idiot. You have to meow at them."
@ThugRaccoons: Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die? Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that. Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL Wife: Me: OMG! Say something!
@SlabBaconBP: I hate when I tell my girlfriend to call me when she's feeling sensible and then 2 years go by before I realize I'm probably single.
@JasonLastname: I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.