@XplodingUnicorn: The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
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@AnkCoupleTO: Her: The laundry pods are missing! Me: Oh really? H: Did you eat them again? M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why? H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
@Brianhopecomedy: "Oh, we're going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked." - my 2 year old