The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
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[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
How wrong was this guy?
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”