The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
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*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*