The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
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shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before