@WritingWilkie: The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher "mom" during sex.
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@rumsnipe: Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won't last long. Me : you been talking to my wife bro?
@badbanana: I'll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
@EtobicokeErnie: Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.