@iamnotdiddy: The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
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@TheMichaelRock: Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you'll give birth to half of a baseball team.
@joeljeffrey: [At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record? Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette *hires me instantly
@gojarbe: *puts ranch dressing on chicken* aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
@lisaxy424: It's actually a good thing money doesn't grow on trees because I've killed every plant I've ever owned.