The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
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In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
what does he know…
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
My blood type is b hungry.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Just a phase…
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.