The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
You Might Also Like
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.