The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
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The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
IT’S-A ME,
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!