The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
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Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Care for your back
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi