The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
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“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Self-cleaning conscience
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
it must be school picture day
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims