The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
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If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999