The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
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ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug