@carlyken: The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
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@djdarrellripley: Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments. Me: Yes, but do go on...
@LoveNLunchmeat: Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG *leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
@delusionaliam: I always carry a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say "I like your haircut", I can respond with, "Thanks, here, have some."