The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
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Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Smooooooth
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
#parenting
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.