Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
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I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Seek kebab; not attention
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
This has made my week.