Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
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I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
doing some research
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable