the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
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Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Don’t talk down to me
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest