*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
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The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
This story is comedy gold 😂
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
💁🏻♂️
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!