Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
You Might Also Like
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”