The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
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*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Gemma Correll
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.