The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
You Might Also Like
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.