Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
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craving $300 all of a sudden
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Safety first
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever