@lifecoachfit: The most stable relationship I've had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we've been dating for the past year.
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@thenatewolf: *a man runs into the bar* "HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?" *my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*
@dafloydsta: DOCTOR: I'm afraid I've got bad news ME: *pulls an apple from pocket* DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
@NotthatAdamWest: The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I'll play mine.
@rockymomax: [making the first boat] "How do we get across this river?" ME: we gotta build a boat "What's a boat?" ME: that's what we gotta figure out