In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
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If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Oh. My. God.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.