The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
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♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still