@Brianhopecomedy: The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
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@DothTheDoth: I know Taco Bell doesn't have "I hate myself" sauce yet. But they should. They should.
@bourgeoisalien: I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,"You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters."
@OtherDanOBrien: [Testing Cat-Human Translator] Scientist: Cat, what is your name? Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks.