The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
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Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool