The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
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I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
knights of the ikea table
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home