The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
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Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
selfie game
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Air conditioning – not a fan
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?