The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
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The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
🤣🤣🤣
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future