*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
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When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.